Your Disappointments/Heartbreaks/Setbacks/Tragedies of Life....

 ...do NOT define you unless you let them.

So there you have it.  If you want to spend whatever time you have left between now and dead, think about what I am saying here.  You will never ever successfully move past your past and carry real hope in your heart for your real life "now" and in the future IF you keep insisting that your "saga" of pain and heartbreak is a never-ending focus of your present life.

Think about it.  Are you one of those people who call friends or family members at random times of the day or night talking about "I don't want to be here anymore.." or "I can't take any more of his/her/their crap it's literally killing me!", etc. etc.?  Listen, do you even clearly understand what you are doing to these "targeted" people who you go on and on with about your own past and present pain?  You are not only robbing them of their own peace---but also imposing your desire for "care" on demand from him/her/them when you feel like it.  Just on the face of it, it's rude behavior.  Deep dive into it, and it's highly manipulative.  Pick one.  

You may not realize this, but your friends and loved ones have heard your tales of woe 1,000 times already.  Why do you act like it's the first time you are sharing about your tragedies of life (such as your divorce, your cheating spouse, your nasty sister, your abusive parent, etc. etc.) whenever you call or see whomever it is face-to-face?  Don't misunderstand, trauma survivors are notorious for forgetting what they said and to whom because past traumatic experiences know no timeline in the brain.  When we get triggered in the "now", we can very easily default to experiencing the same emotional reactions we did when the original event took place.  Even if that event was 25 or 45 years ago!   So of course we aren't going to recall how many times we talked to our best friend from work about "him" or "her" or "them" who hurt and betrayed us so badly.  We can't think straight when we are upset, let alone still caught up in our own traumatic experiences.  Ultimately, we need to learn to move past those traumatic experiences or we are at high risk of allowing them to define us mind, body, and soul.  And that would NOT be a good thing!

Also, ask yourself if you are a "Yes, BUT.." ter.  That means that you will agree with someone who is attempting to give you sound advice, BUT---you always come up with an excuse of why you can't do "that" which is being/has been suggested.  "I can't see a therapist!  Are you kidding me?  I went to one two years ago and she was horrible!"  Huh?!  Okay then!  I guess that means when you get a bad meal in a restaurant, you'll never eat out at restaurants again.  Or if you had a bad dental experience, you'll never see a dentist again (which people have done, as sad as that is to report!).  If you haven't seen the lady on youtube these days with no front tooth in her mouth talking about being estranged from her son...that was her story.  She had a bad dental experience, and then that was that.  Never went back.  Sad!  Tragic!  Trauma-driven decision making on blast!  Yes-butters are under-responsible because they use their own bad/traumatic/tragic experiences as an excuse to avoid doing the right thing(s) now...

I have sidewalk chalk in my office.  When someone is most invested in their own status as a "Poor Me!" survivor of this, that, and the other that happened to them...I will typically show them the box and then toss it over to them.  "What's this?" I am often asked.  "It's your chalk to give to those surrounding you to outline your body when it ends up prostrate on the sidewalk, that's what."  Being and functioning as a card-carrying capital "V" victim is not a good place to live or overly identify with.  We can all do it, not just you and not just me.  When we identify too closely with victim status, we lose more and more of our ability to live in the "now" and can easily end up still very angry, resentful, and bitter by the time it IS our time to leave this world and enter into the next one.

Your disappointments, heartbreaks, setbacks, and tragedies of life are legitimate. Of course they are.  But we often forget that we SHARE this common series of experience while we are here (on earth) regardless of who we are or where we came from.  Rich people get dragged through the crap of life just as homeless people do.  Smart people....and illiterate people.  People from Iceland....and people from Australia.  It doesn't matter who we are or where we came from or "what" we are defining ourselves as;  everybody knows and understands what the experience of PAIN feels like.

So if you need help, get it from the "right" sources and not just those who you feel comfortable with calling up at midnight----or having drinks with after work.  Make a decision to stop transmitting your pain around to other people and learn how to be transformed by your pain into a BETTER person.  How about that?  Yeah....how about that!?

Until next post...

When Just Saying "No!" Works Against Us...

It is true that we are all creatures of habit.  What we like and like doing, we do it!  What we don't like and don't like doing, we work "not" to do it!  That's our human nature.  However, there are times when our own "just say no!" strategy works against us.  Today's post is focused on when our own "No!" responses end up jeopardizing our ability to heal, change (for the better!), and improve the overall quality of our own lives....

I have worked with a lot of clients over the past 22 years.  Some of them, I will say, amazed me just by showing up for psychotherapy.  How can I say that?  I say that because there is still a HUGE stigma associated with people asking for help about issues and problems they would rather not address directly, let alone involving a third party professional.  I mean when was the last time you met someone who told you, "Hey!  Guess what?!  I decided to start going to therapy because I create conflict like it's my job and it's really ruined a lot of my important past relationships!"  Or how about, "Geez, I think I need to see a psychiatrist because I keep obsessing about something being medically wrong with me, even though doctors keep telling me I'm perfectly healthy."  

See what I mean?

We typically don't face what we'd rather not face.  That's a fact.  People can go for not just weeks or months, but for years and decades saying "No!" to what ends up being their own worst decision(s) ever.  In my field of mental health, it is NOT easy to be connected to someone biologically or otherwise who makes their own lives quite complicated because of this "No! No! No!" mentality.  

"NO!" (I won't ever take medication!)  "NO!" (I can't admit my husband abuses me and our kids to anybody!)  "NO!" (She might exploit the bejesus out of me every chance she gets, but I'll never leave her!)  "NO!" (I'm too old to learn a new skill now!)  "NO!" (I'm not an addict!)  "NO!" (I'm not in denial!)

...and on and on we go.

My dearly departed aunt (God rest her, she would have been 101 years old this past summer) was someone who was much more comfortable saying "NO!" than she was "YES!".  She didn't used to be that way when I was a kid.  In fact, she was the one who suggested we go to Battle Creek on the train from Detroit to tour the Kellogg's factory.  As she aged, however, it was clear she was much more comfortable just shutting down opportunities that involved activities outside of her personal comfort zone.  You could take her to church;  she was fine with that.  You could take her to her favorite local restaurant;  no problem.  But to suggest anything she wasn't already familiar with or "heard about" from her peer group---forget it!  Like pulling teeth.  She truly lost her sense of adventure somewhere along the way.  Needless to say....

This "NO!" thing can be so annoying!  Kind of like refusing to accept a blanket when we are otherwise freezing....or refusing to go sit in that bucket of water over there when our rear end is on fire. 

So what can we do about this issue when it's one of our own issues?  Well, every dysfunctional habit can be broken when we replace it with a new and healthier habit instead, how about that?

If you are a "NO!" person, how about making a deal with yourself to start?  For one month, keep track on paper of all the times you said "NO!" to someone else (or to yourself for that matter) regarding whatever it is you chose not to do, rather than do in a timely manner.  After a month of tracking your "NO!" moments, review your documentation to see if there is a pattern there that you can identify.  Guess what?  There will be a pattern there!  

Some people find that their tracking record for a single month may be most focused on things discussed or interactions involving a particular person or group of persons.  Others may find that their tracking record has most to do with opportunities or invitations to "go" places with one or more other people.  Whatever the case, you will find that your own "NO!" moments for the month will have a pattern attached regarding (1) "who" you most say "NO!" to ( including yourself!), (2) "what" it is you keep deciding that you will "not" do (like anything to do with "doctors"---or traveling---or going somewhere you've never been before as examples), (3) "when" it is you most often say "NO!" without even thinking ("I don't do "mornings"...I don't do "after dark".."I don't like having people over at my house, etc.), and (4) "where" (at home?  at work?  when out with friends?  with with certain family members? etc.)

Understanding your own pattern of behavior is helpful here because it provides you with the evidence of what you are most often resisting and under what circumstances.

And that's a start....

Until next post!